About 6 months ago i started observing my heart while we were singing worship songs.
It revealed itself as a heart-sized, bean shaped vessel in my chest, and if i payed attention to it, i saw emotions in it that my brain had covered up.
And then i pictured God, hovering in the expanse above me, as the answer to all those emotions. If i felt sadness, he was there to comfort me. If i was joyful, he was the giver of my joy. If i felt longing, he was the ultimate fulfillment of my longing. This observation of my heart’s connection to God got my head out of the way and made for much closer worship.
And over time as i practiced picturing this posture with him, strange images started appearing to me.
The first one appeared a few weeks ago. It was about the time i moved from my comfortable apartment into a house with roommates. Moving in with roommates is a good, purifying process, and has helped remove some little sins that I had long held on to. That was the week i saw the image of a sandy oatmeal-like liquid being drawn out of my little bean-shaped vessel and flowing up to God to whom i was singing.
That happened for a couple weeks as if there were two weeks-worth of dirty oatmeal to be removed.
But then last week i saw an image of my vessel being splashed into with a clear, refreshing water. My little fist-sized, bean shaped heart was beginning to look more like a beautiful glass vase being cleansed and filled with refreshing water.
And then yesterday a new image appeared to me while singing. For a moment i saw my chest as a simple room in a house, swept clean. Big glass doors were opening to a courtyard and a fresh breeze, redolent of sun-caked clay and shady summer trees wafted through.
I lived in this house, and it was clean from distraction, clean from possessions. I was the simple keeper of this humble temple, and I was awaiting a guest.
I think i understood that my guest would arrive and ask grand things of me. I trusted my guest to be the man of my house and I wanted to be his servant. I was eager to follow any request. I was trusting and anticipating the beautiful work he would do inside of me.
And then the songs ended.
Lord, this vessel is simple, and small. . . and it is all i have to give. But it is clean and it is yours. I am ready. Come and build your beautiful kingdom in me.
Raw Spoon
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