I found myself trying to pray tonight, and coming face to face with certain honest truths. “God, I just don’t see in me the willingness to do certain things you might call me to. I just don’t think I would do it.”
And I’ve been listening to this C.S. Lewis book again called “That Hideous Strength” (I think is is my FAVORITE book ever). And in it these extremely learned men who are trying to take over the world seem compelled to do certain ugly things. And they’re not even sure why they are doing them. He mentions at some point that they had opened themselves up to greater spirits that now control them in little ways. I think this is C.S. Lewis’ idea of what modern demon possession could be.
And then I thought this is what I need the Holy Spirit to do with me. There are certain things I just don’t think I’m strong enough to do. But if there were a spirit in me, one that I invited in because I trusted it’s will for me, that would compel me beyond my own weak will, I would very much like it to do so. I am afraid to lose my soul, because my will is just not strong enough on my own.
And Maybe this is a glimpse of how coming to the end of one’s own abilities is really where grace kicks in. My works just can’t make myself want what you want, God. I just dont think it’s in me without You.
Holy spirit, possess me. Amen.
Raw Spoon, 9-28-17