I was walking through a store and started humming the song “Hello,” by Adele (it had been on my playlist from the day before). A few moments later it came on the radio above me. I thought, hmm, that’s weird.
Then, I was in the car when one of my besties called and told me stories of miracles and hearing God’s voice. After I hung up I thought, “Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that way. So long since I believed that was possible.”
When I got home I searched youtube for “seeking God” and listened to the first sermon that came up. It was by TD Jakes (who I didn’t realize at the time another friend had been encouraging me to watch). TD Jakes said we have to pursue God in the same way He has pursued us. He said, maybe you need to go somewhere. Maybe you need to do something drastic. He even said, “If anyone is listening on the internet right now, he may be calling you to get up and go somewhere.” So I hit the road. I thought I could drive to the International House of Prayer just outside of Atlanta. I was just hoping to hear God’s voice. I had felt distant from God for so long. Numb in all areas of my life. But that is what has allowed me to be content. Quiet. Empty. Content. No more pain. I didn’t have to deal with desire because I didn’t let myself care deeply about anything anymore.
I got stuck in traffic and realized I might not get any time at the actual House of Prayer! God, you might have to tell it to me now, here in traffic. I remembered the Adele song that had popped up twice earlier in the day. I shrugged and put the song on. Maybe God could speak through an Adele song. (to hear the song and keep reading, push play below)
The song cued up and began.
“Hello, it’s me.
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
to go over everything”
“They say time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing.”
Have I not let you heal me? It just hurt for so long– to want so much. Do I need healing?
“Hello can you hear me?
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet”
Before you put the world at our feet? You knew me before the foundations of the world? You knew my deepest longings then? You want that again?
“There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles.”
But you don’t understand, it just hurt to want things I couldn’t have for so long. I needed that distance.
“Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times”
You’ve been trying to talk to me again?
“To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done.”
Yes, Lord, it hurt so much, feeling all those things you put into me. The longing for love from the girls from my dreams. The longing for a perfect city to live in. The dreams I woke up longing to fly. I learned I could not have them. Any of them. Why did you let me want them so badly, and hurt so much for so long?!”
“But when I call you never seem to be home.”
Lord, don’t you understand? I’ve tried to be home, but how can I let myself feel that much! It is so much easier to busy myself with productivity. Things I could rely on. Things I could make. Things I didn’t have to wait on you to provide.
Ross, “HELLO FROM THE OUTSIDE”
Yes, God. You are outside.
“AT LEAST I CAN SAY THAT I’VE TRIED”
I’m not sure if I want you in here.
“TO TELL YOU I’M SORRY FOR BREAKING YOUR HEART.”
And all that empathy you poured into me. I remember seeing someone handicapped and my heart ached for them all day. So much pain.
BUT IT DON’T MATTER
IT CLEARLY DOESN’T TEAR YOU APART…
LORD! It just hurt so badly to long for so much! And all that empathy you built into me!
“It’s no secret, Ross, that the both of us
Are running out of time.”
Yes Lord. You have found me. I am here. I want to feel again. I want it to be You.
Lord, did you really know me from before the foundations of the world? You knew my desires? Did you put them into me? Is this, the burning inside of me for you, is this possibly the love that I tried to find in girls? And will you bring me, some day, into a city that will fill my deepest longings? Will you make me fly, Lord? And the empathy. Is that what will draw me closer to you? Are all these broken people the ones through whom I will find you?
I’m sorry, I’ve pushed it all away so long, God.
Just come, now. Fill me up with yourself again. I’m sorry, I’ve tried to do it on my own. Come in from the outside. I don’t know how to do this on my own. Come in now.
I don’t want to do this on my own. I want to be with someone who knows me.
Knows me deeply. Knew me since the foundations of the world and wants all of me. and wants me to want him, like a lover longs for his bride.
I don’t want to do this alone anymore.
Raw Spoon, 1-20-17