Give Guys a Break

I’ve heard women complaining that Christian guys are so picky and aren’t brave enough to just ask them out. The girls say stuff like, “It doesn’t have to be a big deal; if you’re interested just ask me to coffee!” Some of my Christian lady friends have ended up dating non-Christian guys and I’m like, “Wait a second! What are you doing?!” And they say, “The Christian guys just weren’t asking me out, and my clock is ticking. So what am I supposed to do?!”

Hmm. Yeah, I get it. I’m sorry. I don’t have a great answer for that.

But I gotta represent what us guys are going through so that you can have a little grace on us. And maybe with a little more understanding of both sides we can come up with some helpful perspectives together. The whole Christian dating system is difficult. Overall, the elevated level of commitment is probably still better than the low-commitment system that I think the world has going on, but like anything outside of heaven, it’s got it’s challenges too. (So girls, please don’t give up on us Christian guys, or on Jesus just because the Christianity in this world isn’t measuring up to heaven yet.)

First, let me just rebut the coffee comment. Getting coffee doesn’t feel like just getting coffee. If it goes well, I often get afraid that the girl’s feelings and hopes may already be getting involved. As soon as we guys make a move, we feel like our clock has started ticking. You want to know if we’re really in it or not. And suddenly the stakes have been raised. It’s like there’s this unspoken question in the Christian sub-culture that the guy is supposed to know the answer to right away. “Are you pursuing her for marriage? Or Not?” You know, it doesn’t even need to be that extreme. It’s more like, “Do you like her like that? Or not?” I feel like if there’s any ambiguity in my mind, the girl is uncomfortable and confused. And we feel like, as good Christian guys, it’s up to us to allay that fear by knowing exactly what we want and jumping in with focus and certainty!

If you, ladies are saying, “No, you’re wrong! It’s just coffee!” Ask yourself, after that first coffee date that goes pretty well, do you find yourself needing answers like: “Does he like me? Will he call me again? When will he call me?” And then suddenly us guys feel the pressure to know, “Do I like her? Am I supposed to call her in a certain number of days? What if I don’t feel like it? Am I supposed to do it anyway!? I’m a Christian guy; if I hurt her does that mean I’m a bad Christian!? Ahh!”

I need a little help here, Ladies.

I mean, is that what you’re thinking sometimes? I guess I just assume that. Maybe this assumption is the source of the problem.


Read the rest of the blog where it was published on Boundless (Focus on The Family young adults blog) here! They modified it slightly (in ways that I didn’t think really caught my personality as well) but it’s a huge honor so check it out!

Raw Spoon 7-29-16

4 Responses to Give Guys a Break

  1. Jen Schroeder says:

    The pressure goes both ways. If a girl says yes to a date to be open to possibility, we may feel like it’s an unnessary risk to leading a dude on. Or that we are opprtunistic. It is complicated for both sides. Life is short. G-d created us for relationships, tho. No, not everyone needs to be married, but it is a relationship. We should pursue good things. We should take risks. We must learn to guard our hearts, pray, and strive for honesty in relationships early on. No, all of our trust eggs (no pun, just a pun illusion) should never be in another’s basket. Psalm 20:7 is my fave. Maybe cawfee whilst doing another activity would help alleviate the pressure? G-d made us creative. A walk? Cawfee while volunteering together? “I hear they need some help over at…(we’d love extra help/I’d enjoy your company) I’ll bring the cawfee, would you be interested?” Set the tone with your relaxed asking. In other words, it is just what it is. It’ll always be bumpy, I spose. Life is bumpy. Onward!

  2. Timmie says:

    Hi ! really enjoyed reading this article. As Christians it’s certainly not easy to navigate this sometimes rocky path. My take it that, meeting up for coffee should be fun and an opportunity just get connected – hence the topic involved in the coffee time should be light. There is not right or wrong but being true to what honors God ultimately – especially for more mature Christians to be prayerful and discerning about it I guess. In a nut shell for me, it will be to meet as many people as possible and pray (seek HIM like crazy) behind closed doors :)). Ah, do check out this site – it’ll also give you more insight about what Christian women generally think & I happen to contribute to the latest post today :)

    • raw spoon says:

      Hi Timmie! Thanks for your comment! you know, now that you say it, that makes perfect sense. That the coffee date should just be no pressure and talk about no pressure stuff!! Thank you.
      AND I just read your post and it’s beautiful! What a cool website!!
      Thanks for reading, and for writing!!