So, I fell headlong into a big crush a while ago.
There were moments of optimistic elation and overwhelming joy, but much of the time I was just left wanting. Really wanting. Wanting. Wanting. And bearing the sadness of not being able to have her. I would lay in bed at night feeling like the whole of me was a starving man huddled over a big empty table.
But at some point during the process I realized that my heart was not the only one at that table, and should not dictate the whole of me. My heart, she is just one of the friends gathered around the table in me who I must listen to, honor, and nurture.
On one of the days while I was pondering all of this, I found myself at the gym doing some leg squats. And my legs were burning! I was writhing and making all those scowls and huffs like those ill-proportionately passionate people at the gym do. My body was screaming, what the heck are you doing?! STOP!
But something in me said “Do another rep” and for some reason I did one. And I realized that my body must not be the only voice in me either. My MIND was speaking too, telling me that the more I let it burn, the more likely my stringy white thighs would tempt the girl to want my body, which my HEART was begging the other parts to do for her.
My body, my mind, and my heart were all friends at the table in me and I must honor and listen to them all.
And then something about me is bigger than any one of these single parts and has power to decide what is good for me (my body, my heart, my mind and the rest of me) as a whole. So, this probably sounds crazy but that day at the gym I started encouraging my body as if I were a coach that intimately knew all of his pain, but could also see beyond it.
And I started doing something similar for my heart. As I laid in bed and heard her throbs of longing I would encourage her. If I had to put it into words it would have sounded something like this.
“It’ll be okay. I’ll take good care of you. Let yourself keep feeling because feeling is what you were made to do. Just know I feel your pain, I cherish you so much, and we’ll do this together.”
And maybe you think I’m a softy for picturing my “self” as a bunch of sensitive friends talking about how they feel at a big loving table, but overall I think I’m much healthier.
And hold your judgments on my softness until you’ve seen these ropey ivory thighs.